[Wamvan] One Right-Winger's Terrible List of "Top 10 Conservative Movies"

Sat Jan 14 12:48:30 PST 2012

some light pop culture critiques for a lazy saturday morning...

L

One Right-Winger's Terrible List of "Top 10 Conservative Movies"
This top-ten list from the Telegraph includes "The Killing Fields," "Black
Hawk Down," and....... "The Pursuit of Happyness"??

By Asawin Suebsaeng <http://motherjones.com/authors/asawin-suebsaeng> | Fri
Jan. 13, 2012 11:10 AM PST
------------------------------

Three basic facts of life: The planet you live on isn't
cooling<http://motherjones.com/environment/2011/11/climategate-20-will-media-do-its-job-time>
 [1], you should never forget to bring a
towel<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSZthm6bA1c&feature=related>
 [2], and conservative commentators aren't very good at putting together
lists of conservative things.

When John J. Miller of *National Review* compiled his "50 greatest
conservative rock
songs<http://www.nationalreview.com/articles/217737/rockin-right/john-j-miller>
 [3]" in 2006, his selections—which for some strange reason included "Janie's
Got a Gun <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqQn2ADZE1A> [4]" by
Aerosmith—were so often perceived as baseless that the piece even provoked a
response from the guy who wrote the No. 1-listed
tune<http://www.professorbainbridge.com/professorbainbridgecom/2006/05/townshend-on-the-politics-of-wont-get-fooled-again.html>
 [5] (a fact Miller clearly
relished<http://www.nationalreview.com/articles/229860/conservative-rock-songs-deconstructed/john-j-miller>
 [6]). On*Human Events*' 2005 list of "Most Harmful
Books<http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=7591&offer=&hidebodyad=true>
 [7]" written in the 19th and 20th centuries, Darwin and John Stuart Mill
are put in the same ballpark as Hitler and Mao.

And on Wednesday, conservative Brit Nile Gardiner trotted out his rundown
of "The top 10 conservative movies of the modern
era<http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/nilegardiner/100126732/the-top-10-conservative-movies-of-the-modern-era/>
 [8]" in a blog post for the *Telegraph*. Gardiner writes that these movies
"can be taken to heart [by conservatives] in both the United States and
Great Britain," and that they "celebrate conservative values, the defence
of the free world, deep-seated patriotism and individual liberty." He also
insists that the films promote capitalism and are sure to "offend Left-wing
sensibilities." (Click
here<http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/nilegardiner/100125177/the-obama-administration%E2%80%99s-top-10-foolish-quotes-of-2011/>
 [9] for another one of Gardiner's crushingly lame top-ten lists, this one
targeting the Obama administration.)

Amazingly, *Red
Dawn<http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/dvdextras/2008/10/red_dawn.html>
 [10] *doesn't even get an honorable mention!

As my colleague Adam Serwer <https://twitter.com/#!/AdamSerwer/> [11] jokingly
points out, it might at first glance seem like the "overwhelming majority
of these films are about kicking the shit out of brown people"
(i.e.*Zulu*<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zulu_%28film%29#Historical_inaccuracies>
 [12], *Black Hawk Down* <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_1-Bb_KaDQ> [13],
*300*<http://blogs.orlandosentinel.com/entertainment_movies_blog/2007/03/300_as_fascist_.html>
 [14], *Tears of the
Sun*<http://www.timeout.com/film/reviews/79003/tears-of-the-sun.html>
 [15], and so on).

Also, the Russell Crowe vehicle *Master and
Commander*<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E794rTPa4nA>
 [16] (listed at No. 4), set during the Napoleonic Wars, is hailed as "one
of the greatest odes to leadership ever committed to celluloid" that
"should be essential viewing for any Commander-In-Chief." But Gardiner
takes things a step further with his "British Imperialism Ra-Ra-Ra!"
attitude, by viewing the movie as an ode to the "determination that forged
the<http://books.google.com/books?id=sh5bAAAAMAAJ&q=british+imperialism#search_anchor>
 [17] British<http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2011-04-13/india/29413414_1_jallianwala-bagh-general-dyer-massacre>
 [18] Empire<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_Boer_War#Concentration_camps_.281900_-_1902.29>
 [19]":

Needless to say, it should be shown at the next EU summit by the UK
delegation for the benefit of Nicolas Sarkozy when he gets on his high
horse and starts lecturing Britain about French superiority.

Strangely, several of the listed films aren't right-wing flicks, at all. *The
Deer Hunter <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqakCa-MysE> [20] *(No. 6) is
more about the intensely personal tragedies of war than it is about pissing
off the Reds<http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/it-was-20-years-ago-today-the-deer-hunter-brings-it-all-back-home-1078855.html>
 [21] or straight-up patriotism. *Hotel
Rwanda<http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/hotel_rwanda/>
 [22] *(Honorable Mention), if anything, comes out against the
traditionally conservative principle of
non-intervention<http://motherjones.com/kevin-drum/2012/01/ron-paul-not-ally-worth-having>
 [23] in humanitarian crises. Ridley Scott's *Black Hawk Down* (No. 8) is a
non-ideological, sloppily
researched<http://www.sptimes.com/2002/01/24/news_pf/Worldandnation/These_movie_critics_a.shtml>
 [24] army flick (albeit, a viscerally thrilling and visually impressive
one). *United 93*<http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2006/jun/07/news.xanbrooks>
 [25] (Honorable Mention) just isn't political—or at least heroism on 9/11 *
shouldn't <http://motherjones.com/politics/2011/09/9-11-attacks-anniversary>
 [26] *be political. And the Will Smith-starring *The Pursuit of
Happyness*<http://www.sonypictures.com/homevideo/thepursuitofhappyness/>
 [27] (No. 10, and somehow described as a 2006 "classic") is recast as a
tribute to minorities subscribing to
Reaganomics<http://motherjones.com/kevin-drum/2011/10/ronald-reagans-legacy>
 [28].

And Roland Joffé's *The Killing
Fields*<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z1sj7gzpCk>
 [29] (No. 7) is by no means a conservative movie. It is, by all accounts,
a human rights movie, and humans right awareness is—if I am to continue on
this ridiculous path of generalization that this debate unfortunately
demands—something that is inextricably associated with causes of the
bleeding-heart left. It's also worth noting that*The Killing Fields*—a film
that slams the genocidal horrors perpetrated by Cambodia's hyper-Maoist
Khmer Rouge—was made by a British leftist filmmaker in 1984. Right around
this time, Margaret Thacher and *Ronald Reagan* were
supporting<http://www.newstatesman.com/200004170017>
 [30] the Khmer Rouge insurgency in its bid to land a seat at the UN just a
few years after Vietnamese troops
overthrew<http://news.bbc.co.uk/onthisday/hi/dates/stories/january/8/newsid_2506000/2506533.stm>
[31] the regime.

To live in a world dominated by facile conservative talking
points<http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/nilegardiner/100124892/barack-obama%E2%80%99s-big-government-vacation-the-president-adds-nearly-4-million-to-the-national-debt-with-his-lavish-hawaiian-holiday/>
 [32] is, evidently, to have no sense of historical irony whatsoever.

But, hey, I'm not totally above playing along. Without further ado, as a
rebuttal based on comparable logic and sweeping generalizations, here are
the *TOP THREE LIBERAL MOVIES OF THE MODERN ERA IN WHICH STUFF BLOWS UP GOOD
*:

*1. Aliens <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqzHdKqZAmo> [33], dir. James
Cameron*

Since American leftists are renowned for heroically chipping away at the
exploitation inherent in free markets, it's refreshing to see that one of
the all-time great sci-fi action movies features a human villain who's a
weaselly capitalist toad (played by comic Paul
Reiser<http://popwatch.ew.com/2011/04/26/paul-reiser-slams-nbc-jay-leno/>
 [34]) who puts marines' lives at risk for the sake of turning a healthy
profit. He ends up getting his face bitten off by a towering space-monster,
which is patently a metaphor for the revenge of the 99
percent<http://motherjones.com/politics/2011/02/income-inequality-in-america-chart-graph>
 [35], we're pretty sure.

Naturally, the day is only saved when valiant
feminazi<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminazi>
 [36] Sigourney Weaver shows up to own some intergalactic ass. We just
regret that the day had to be won through animal
cruelty<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqzHdKqZAmo>
[33].

*2. Die Hard 2: Die Harder <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Die_Hard_2> [37],
dir. Renny Harlin*

The first sequel to the 1988
masterwork<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFRSruZyWGc>
 [38] has Bruce Willis going all Church
Committee<http://pw1.netcom.com/~ncoic/cia_info.htm>
 [39] on a squad of ex-special forces trying to reinstall a Noriega-esque,
anti-communist authoritarian/drug kingpin.

Needless to say, it should be shown at the next EU summit by the UK
delegation Benevolent and Protective Order of
Elks<https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&q=cache:uX50Y_z6cekJ:www.elks.org/lodges/LodgePages.cfm%3FLodgeNumber%3D1684%26ID%3D3308+&hl=en&gl=us&pid=bl&srcid=ADGEEShHlAEqvCukLVPj1ax0kYXdOdezeobpbCWXD9xiOhhnhcPxhoQ3htJaWBSysR0aCsuCpERmc9omR3EpQmvA1TK4FC1puaNz12aSr_yjqI5cqud8Or-wUiVYBx75wrlDWxcW8N6f&sig=AHIEtbShizuCOKtpuUZx1txSm3-Z7w9nUw>
 [40] get-together for the benefit of Nicolas Sarkozy George H.W.
Bush<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqwQw3THRvU>
 [41] when he gets on his high horse and starts lecturing Britain student
protesters<http://articles.latimes.com/1989-11-30/local/me-362_1_el-salvador>
 [42] about French superiority American exceptionalism.

*3. Glory <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_DEd4q1pS8> [43], dir. Edward
Zwick*

The best movie about the triumph of big government over states'
rights<http://www.pbs.org/civilwar/>
 [44], *Glory* is essential in helping white Democratic voters cope with
their crippling white liberal guilt. In the film, President Lincoln wages
his righteous war of aggression against über-racist-y, inferiorly dressed
Southerners with the help of the 54th Massachusetts
Regiment<http://www.pbs.org/civilwar/classroom/lesson_shaw.html>
 [45], a black unit that, if it were around today, *Fox
Nation*<https://twitter.com/#!/owillis/status/157161031733489664>
 [46] would likely label as "tyrannical and loud former ACORN volunteers."

Okay, I'll stop.

But please list your favorite "conservative" or "liberal" movies in the
comments below.
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