[Viva] Dating and Disclosure

Mon May 14 14:22:11 PDT 2018

Appreciate that Ann! Thanks for acknowledging

On Mon, May 14, 2018, 1:03 PM anne bonner <thewoodbuffalo at gmail.com> wrote:

> Just realized I said man, obvs can be woman too or any sort of non-binary
> folk. Apologies!
>
> On Mon, May 14, 2018 at 11:03 AM, shelly tognazzini <
> shetognazzini at gmail.com> wrote:
>
>> Excellent perspective Ann! Great final question.
>>
>> On Mon, May 14, 2018, 10:20 AM anne bonner <thewoodbuffalo at gmail.com>
>> wrote:
>>
>>> I sometimes wait a pretty long time to tell people. I don't have sex
>>> with people until I disclose. So I guess I only tell people when there is a
>>> pretty good connection and I feel like I can trust them with that
>>> information. I think it goes better this way as they have developed some
>>> caring feelings towards you and are more likely to listen to you and
>>> consider things more instead of just bailing. Of course I've had people do
>>> that, and freak out, but not too many. When you wait you have time to suss
>>> people out, try to find out what their reaction will be before telling
>>> them, and you also have time to decide if it's even worth it to tell them
>>> at all. It's not just about them wanting me, I have to decide if I can
>>> trust them, and if I even want them in the first place. And if they are
>>> pushy about sex before I'm ready, I'm out.
>>>
>>> I hear a lot of women focusing on whether the man wants or doesn't want
>>> them, but do you even want that man?
>>>
>>> A
>>>
>>> On Sun, May 13, 2018 at 8:27 PM, Denise Wozniak <
>>> deniseswozniak at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>
>>>> Happy mother's day to àll the ladies who miss their mother or their
>>>> child.
>>>>
>>>> Bless.
>>>>
>>>> On Sun, May 13, 2018, 7:16 PM heidi safford via Viva <
>>>> viva at lists.resist.ca> wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> Thanks for sharing your insights Danielle and Melanie
>>>>> [image: *:) happy]
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> ------------------------------
>>>>> *From:* Danielle <northern.islander at gmail.com>
>>>>> *To:* viva at lists.resist.ca
>>>>> *Sent:* Sunday, May 13, 2018 3:00 PM
>>>>> *Subject:* Re: [Viva] Dating and Disclosure
>>>>>
>>>>> Hi Melanie
>>>>>
>>>>> Dating is a tricky game for most people.   Being HIV+ increases
>>>>> anxiety far more than ordinary fear of rejection.  It's a wonder that any
>>>>> of us ever attempt it.   The real truth underlining what I wrote is that I
>>>>> never do attempt dating anymore.   That is,  I never approach anyone with
>>>>> dating on my mind.   Occasionally though,  I am still approached by men who
>>>>> make who take a fancy interest in me.   Disclosure goes on the table
>>>>> immediately for exactly the reasons I've given. However, with extremely
>>>>> rare exception, their ardour goes into rapid retreat and while I have their
>>>>> attention I use the moment as an opportunity to educate and hopefully
>>>>> convince them that HIV status is a necessary component of discussion before
>>>>> jumping into a sexual encounter.
>>>>>
>>>>>  In my old-fashioned mind,  anyone who wants to "date" is moving
>>>>> slowly enough to form a conversational relationship first.   HIV is one of
>>>>> those things that might reasonably be talked about as part of that
>>>>> development process anyway.   It's only the people who are thinking about
>>>>> sex as part of the first meeting that have been an issue for me.   Being
>>>>> rejected under that circumstance doesn't hurt my feelings at all.
>>>>>
>>>>> I know lots of men often want that kind of night-out-hookup,
>>>>> especially as part of the culture of men who have sex with men.  I know
>>>>> that some women do as well but I find that occurs less often.   Women who
>>>>> have HIV are even less likely to seek hookups.   I was never interested in
>>>>> one night stands.
>>>>>
>>>>> ...and oh ... thank you for your message.   Acknowledgement is sweet
>>>>> ...  and you also helped me remember I said I'd give some sort of bio.
>>>>>  I'll try to get that done, assuming I can keep that thought in my head
>>>>> long enough,  after I take some time to talk to my mom.   (#mothers day)
>>>>>
>>>>> smiles
>>>>> Danielle
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> On Sun, May 13, 2018, 10:56 AM M L <givemegiggles at hotmail.com> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>> Thanks Danielle, my thoughts and actions around dating are much the
>>>>> same as yours. Disclosing the sooner the better.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> On Sun, May 13, 2018, 10:56 AM M L <givemegiggles at hotmail.com> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>> Thanks Danielle, my thoughts and actions around dating are much the
>>>>> same as yours. Disclosing the sooner the better.
>>>>>
>>>>> Melanie
>>>>> ------------------------------
>>>>> *From:* Viva <viva-bounces at lists.resist.ca> on behalf of Danielle <
>>>>> northern.islander at gmail.com>
>>>>> *Sent:* April 4, 2018 8:14:07 PM
>>>>> *To:* viva at lists.resist.ca
>>>>> *Subject:* Re: [Viva] Dating and Disclosure
>>>>>
>>>>> Good evening ladies.
>>>>>
>>>>> I have a long and winding tale regarding my experiences with
>>>>> disclosure and dating.  The pertinent point is that I waste no time
>>>>> disclosing my HIV status because I find there is less residual emotional
>>>>> impact when it is one of the first things a potential romantic interest
>>>>> learns about me.  By putting my status out on the table as soon as I
>>>>> realize there is any mutual interest beyond a friendly cup of coffee
>>>>> together they don't have time for anything except back peddling to change
>>>>> their mind.  Better for me.  Better for them.  I'm always happy to let them
>>>>> easily off the hook.
>>>>>
>>>>> I'm new here ... just since meeting Margarite this past long weekend
>>>>> at the Gathering in Vancouver .... and will write up some kind of bio
>>>>> introduction at some point soon.  In the meantime I'll do my best to
>>>>> participate here, at least by way of responding to others' posts.
>>>>>
>>>>> Be well.
>>>>> Danielle
>>>>>
>>>>> On Wed, Apr 4, 2018 at 2:31 PM, Jan Ouellette <janyblue811 at hotmail.com
>>>>> > wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>> Thank you all for your love and hope❤
>>>>> Janet
>>>>>
>>>>> On Apr 4, 2018 2:21 PM, heidi safford via Viva <viva at lists.resist.ca>
>>>>> wrote:
>>>>> Ladies THANK YOU for sharing your stories. They are lovely to hear
>>>>> and they give me HOPE [image: *:x lovestruck]
>>>>> Heidi
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> ------------------------------
>>>>> *From:* Pegfrank <pegfrank at telus.net>
>>>>> *To:* Margarite Sanchez <Viva at lists.resist.ca>
>>>>> *Sent:* Wednesday, April 4, 2018 11:38 AM
>>>>> *Subject:* [Viva] Dating and Disclosure
>>>>>
>>>>> Hi
>>>>>
>>>>> At the gathering I shared that I had met a partner, someone to sit
>>>>> quietly at home, and adventure (locally) with — online. He does not like to
>>>>> travel, and has little funds to do so. I shared my status on our second
>>>>> date, which I often did with others. My feeling is — if I get a bad
>>>>> reaction, this is not someone who I want to spend time with. But it hurts
>>>>> initially. There were a few slaps across the face — figuratively. In fact,
>>>>> I was ready to give up. I was shifting my focus from partnership to someone
>>>>> to have an occasionally coffee with, when I met this guy. After talking to
>>>>> a few a women, who are scared by the prospect of online dating, and
>>>>> disclosure, I asked the guy, why he didn’t leave. He knows very little
>>>>> about HIV.
>>>>> “You are so trustworthy. I trusted, immediately, that you wouldn’t
>>>>> hurt me.” So that’s my story. Does anyone else have one? I encourage women
>>>>> to get out and see if there is someone waiting for them. We feel like we
>>>>> have been waiting for each other for dos of our lives. Things are so easy
>>>>> between us. There is an energy that arises from relationships that doesn’t
>>>>> get aroused by anything else. If you want a relationship, imagine what is
>>>>> critically important, let other stuff go, and go for it. I want us all to
>>>>> be content.
>>>>> Hugs from here. And I know that this is only applicable to some of us,
>>>>> but thought I would share.
>>>>> - Peggy Frank
>>>>>
>>>>> “
>>>>>
>>>>> *I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question
>>>>> stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teachings*
>>>>> *My blood whispers to me.*”
>>>>> - Herman Hesse
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
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>>>>>
>>>>>
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>>>>
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