[Viva] Dating and Disclosure

Mon May 14 12:57:39 PDT 2018

Just realized I said man, obvs can be woman too or any sort of non-binary
folk. Apologies!

On Mon, May 14, 2018 at 11:03 AM, shelly tognazzini <shetognazzini at gmail.com
> wrote:

> Excellent perspective Ann! Great final question.
>
> On Mon, May 14, 2018, 10:20 AM anne bonner <thewoodbuffalo at gmail.com>
> wrote:
>
>> I sometimes wait a pretty long time to tell people. I don't have sex with
>> people until I disclose. So I guess I only tell people when there is a
>> pretty good connection and I feel like I can trust them with that
>> information. I think it goes better this way as they have developed some
>> caring feelings towards you and are more likely to listen to you and
>> consider things more instead of just bailing. Of course I've had people do
>> that, and freak out, but not too many. When you wait you have time to suss
>> people out, try to find out what their reaction will be before telling
>> them, and you also have time to decide if it's even worth it to tell them
>> at all. It's not just about them wanting me, I have to decide if I can
>> trust them, and if I even want them in the first place. And if they are
>> pushy about sex before I'm ready, I'm out.
>>
>> I hear a lot of women focusing on whether the man wants or doesn't want
>> them, but do you even want that man?
>>
>> A
>>
>> On Sun, May 13, 2018 at 8:27 PM, Denise Wozniak <deniseswozniak at gmail.com
>> > wrote:
>>
>>> Happy mother's day to àll the ladies who miss their mother or their
>>> child.
>>>
>>> Bless.
>>>
>>> On Sun, May 13, 2018, 7:16 PM heidi safford via Viva <
>>> viva at lists.resist.ca> wrote:
>>>
>>>> Thanks for sharing your insights Danielle and Melanie
>>>> [image: *:) happy]
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> ------------------------------
>>>> *From:* Danielle <northern.islander at gmail.com>
>>>> *To:* viva at lists.resist.ca
>>>> *Sent:* Sunday, May 13, 2018 3:00 PM
>>>> *Subject:* Re: [Viva] Dating and Disclosure
>>>>
>>>> Hi Melanie
>>>>
>>>> Dating is a tricky game for most people.   Being HIV+ increases anxiety
>>>> far more than ordinary fear of rejection.  It's a wonder that any of us
>>>> ever attempt it.   The real truth underlining what I wrote is that I never
>>>> do attempt dating anymore.   That is,  I never approach anyone with dating
>>>> on my mind.   Occasionally though,  I am still approached by men who make
>>>> who take a fancy interest in me.   Disclosure goes on the table immediately
>>>> for exactly the reasons I've given. However, with extremely rare exception,
>>>> their ardour goes into rapid retreat and while I have their attention I use
>>>> the moment as an opportunity to educate and hopefully convince them that
>>>> HIV status is a necessary component of discussion before jumping into a
>>>> sexual encounter.
>>>>
>>>>  In my old-fashioned mind,  anyone who wants to "date" is moving slowly
>>>> enough to form a conversational relationship first.   HIV is one of those
>>>> things that might reasonably be talked about as part of that development
>>>> process anyway.   It's only the people who are thinking about sex as part
>>>> of the first meeting that have been an issue for me.   Being rejected under
>>>> that circumstance doesn't hurt my feelings at all.
>>>>
>>>> I know lots of men often want that kind of night-out-hookup,
>>>> especially as part of the culture of men who have sex with men.  I know
>>>> that some women do as well but I find that occurs less often.   Women who
>>>> have HIV are even less likely to seek hookups.   I was never interested in
>>>> one night stands.
>>>>
>>>> ...and oh ... thank you for your message.   Acknowledgement is sweet
>>>> ...  and you also helped me remember I said I'd give some sort of bio.
>>>>  I'll try to get that done, assuming I can keep that thought in my head
>>>> long enough,  after I take some time to talk to my mom.   (#mothers day)
>>>>
>>>> smiles
>>>> Danielle
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> On Sun, May 13, 2018, 10:56 AM M L <givemegiggles at hotmail.com> wrote:
>>>>
>>>> Thanks Danielle, my thoughts and actions around dating are much the
>>>> same as yours. Disclosing the sooner the better.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> On Sun, May 13, 2018, 10:56 AM M L <givemegiggles at hotmail.com> wrote:
>>>>
>>>> Thanks Danielle, my thoughts and actions around dating are much the
>>>> same as yours. Disclosing the sooner the better.
>>>>
>>>> Melanie
>>>> ------------------------------
>>>> *From:* Viva <viva-bounces at lists.resist.ca> on behalf of Danielle <
>>>> northern.islander at gmail.com>
>>>> *Sent:* April 4, 2018 8:14:07 PM
>>>> *To:* viva at lists.resist.ca
>>>> *Subject:* Re: [Viva] Dating and Disclosure
>>>>
>>>> Good evening ladies.
>>>>
>>>> I have a long and winding tale regarding my experiences with disclosure
>>>> and dating.  The pertinent point is that I waste no time disclosing my HIV
>>>> status because I find there is less residual emotional impact when it is
>>>> one of the first things a potential romantic interest learns about me.  By
>>>> putting my status out on the table as soon as I realize there is any mutual
>>>> interest beyond a friendly cup of coffee together they don't have time for
>>>> anything except back peddling to change their mind.  Better for me.  Better
>>>> for them.  I'm always happy to let them easily off the hook.
>>>>
>>>> I'm new here ... just since meeting Margarite this past long weekend at
>>>> the Gathering in Vancouver .... and will write up some kind of bio
>>>> introduction at some point soon.  In the meantime I'll do my best to
>>>> participate here, at least by way of responding to others' posts.
>>>>
>>>> Be well.
>>>> Danielle
>>>>
>>>> On Wed, Apr 4, 2018 at 2:31 PM, Jan Ouellette <janyblue811 at hotmail.com>
>>>> wrote:
>>>>
>>>> Thank you all for your love and hope❤
>>>> Janet
>>>>
>>>> On Apr 4, 2018 2:21 PM, heidi safford via Viva <viva at lists.resist.ca>
>>>> wrote:
>>>> Ladies THANK YOU for sharing your stories. They are lovely to hear
>>>> and they give me HOPE [image: *:x lovestruck]
>>>> Heidi
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> ------------------------------
>>>> *From:* Pegfrank <pegfrank at telus.net>
>>>> *To:* Margarite Sanchez <Viva at lists.resist.ca>
>>>> *Sent:* Wednesday, April 4, 2018 11:38 AM
>>>> *Subject:* [Viva] Dating and Disclosure
>>>>
>>>> Hi
>>>>
>>>> At the gathering I shared that I had met a partner, someone to sit
>>>> quietly at home, and adventure (locally) with — online. He does not like to
>>>> travel, and has little funds to do so. I shared my status on our second
>>>> date, which I often did with others. My feeling is — if I get a bad
>>>> reaction, this is not someone who I want to spend time with. But it hurts
>>>> initially. There were a few slaps across the face — figuratively. In fact,
>>>> I was ready to give up. I was shifting my focus from partnership to someone
>>>> to have an occasionally coffee with, when I met this guy. After talking to
>>>> a few a women, who are scared by the prospect of online dating, and
>>>> disclosure, I asked the guy, why he didn’t leave. He knows very little
>>>> about HIV.
>>>> “You are so trustworthy. I trusted, immediately, that you wouldn’t hurt
>>>> me.” So that’s my story. Does anyone else have one? I encourage women to
>>>> get out and see if there is someone waiting for them. We feel like we have
>>>> been waiting for each other for dos of our lives. Things are so easy
>>>> between us. There is an energy that arises from relationships that doesn’t
>>>> get aroused by anything else. If you want a relationship, imagine what is
>>>> critically important, let other stuff go, and go for it. I want us all to
>>>> be content.
>>>> Hugs from here. And I know that this is only applicable to some of us,
>>>> but thought I would share.
>>>> - Peggy Frank
>>>>
>>>> “
>>>>
>>>> *I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars
>>>> and books; I have begun to listen to the teachings*
>>>> *My blood whispers to me.*”
>>>> - Herman Hesse
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>> Viva mailing list
>>>> Viva at lists.resist.ca
>>>> https://lists.resist.ca/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/viva
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>> Viva mailing list
>>>> Viva at lists.resist.ca
>>>> https://lists.resist.ca/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/viva
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>> Viva mailing list
>>>> Viva at lists.resist.ca
>>>> https://lists.resist.ca/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/viva
>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>> Viva mailing list
>>>> Viva at lists.resist.ca
>>>> https://lists.resist.ca/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/viva
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>> Viva mailing list
>>>> Viva at lists.resist.ca
>>>> https://lists.resist.ca/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/viva
>>>>
>>>
>>> _______________________________________________
>>> Viva mailing list
>>> Viva at lists.resist.ca
>>> https://lists.resist.ca/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/viva
>>>
>>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> Viva mailing list
>> Viva at lists.resist.ca
>> https://lists.resist.ca/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/viva
>>
>
> _______________________________________________
> Viva mailing list
> Viva at lists.resist.ca
> https://lists.resist.ca/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/viva
>
>
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://lists.resist.ca/pipermail/viva/attachments/20180514/0ff56e39/attachment-0001.html>