[Viva] Dating and Disclosure

Mon May 14 11:03:29 PDT 2018

Excellent perspective Ann! Great final question.

On Mon, May 14, 2018, 10:20 AM anne bonner <thewoodbuffalo at gmail.com> wrote:

> I sometimes wait a pretty long time to tell people. I don't have sex with
> people until I disclose. So I guess I only tell people when there is a
> pretty good connection and I feel like I can trust them with that
> information. I think it goes better this way as they have developed some
> caring feelings towards you and are more likely to listen to you and
> consider things more instead of just bailing. Of course I've had people do
> that, and freak out, but not too many. When you wait you have time to suss
> people out, try to find out what their reaction will be before telling
> them, and you also have time to decide if it's even worth it to tell them
> at all. It's not just about them wanting me, I have to decide if I can
> trust them, and if I even want them in the first place. And if they are
> pushy about sex before I'm ready, I'm out.
>
> I hear a lot of women focusing on whether the man wants or doesn't want
> them, but do you even want that man?
>
> A
>
> On Sun, May 13, 2018 at 8:27 PM, Denise Wozniak <deniseswozniak at gmail.com>
> wrote:
>
>> Happy mother's day to àll the ladies who miss their mother or their child.
>>
>> Bless.
>>
>> On Sun, May 13, 2018, 7:16 PM heidi safford via Viva <
>> viva at lists.resist.ca> wrote:
>>
>>> Thanks for sharing your insights Danielle and Melanie
>>> [image: *:) happy]
>>>
>>>
>>> ------------------------------
>>> *From:* Danielle <northern.islander at gmail.com>
>>> *To:* viva at lists.resist.ca
>>> *Sent:* Sunday, May 13, 2018 3:00 PM
>>> *Subject:* Re: [Viva] Dating and Disclosure
>>>
>>> Hi Melanie
>>>
>>> Dating is a tricky game for most people.   Being HIV+ increases anxiety
>>> far more than ordinary fear of rejection.  It's a wonder that any of us
>>> ever attempt it.   The real truth underlining what I wrote is that I never
>>> do attempt dating anymore.   That is,  I never approach anyone with dating
>>> on my mind.   Occasionally though,  I am still approached by men who make
>>> who take a fancy interest in me.   Disclosure goes on the table immediately
>>> for exactly the reasons I've given. However, with extremely rare exception,
>>> their ardour goes into rapid retreat and while I have their attention I use
>>> the moment as an opportunity to educate and hopefully convince them that
>>> HIV status is a necessary component of discussion before jumping into a
>>> sexual encounter.
>>>
>>>  In my old-fashioned mind,  anyone who wants to "date" is moving slowly
>>> enough to form a conversational relationship first.   HIV is one of those
>>> things that might reasonably be talked about as part of that development
>>> process anyway.   It's only the people who are thinking about sex as part
>>> of the first meeting that have been an issue for me.   Being rejected under
>>> that circumstance doesn't hurt my feelings at all.
>>>
>>> I know lots of men often want that kind of night-out-hookup,  especially
>>> as part of the culture of men who have sex with men.  I know that some
>>> women do as well but I find that occurs less often.   Women who have HIV
>>> are even less likely to seek hookups.   I was never interested in one night
>>> stands.
>>>
>>> ...and oh ... thank you for your message.   Acknowledgement is sweet
>>> ...  and you also helped me remember I said I'd give some sort of bio.
>>>  I'll try to get that done, assuming I can keep that thought in my head
>>> long enough,  after I take some time to talk to my mom.   (#mothers day)
>>>
>>> smiles
>>> Danielle
>>>
>>>
>>> On Sun, May 13, 2018, 10:56 AM M L <givemegiggles at hotmail.com> wrote:
>>>
>>> Thanks Danielle, my thoughts and actions around dating are much the same
>>> as yours. Disclosing the sooner the better.
>>>
>>>
>>> On Sun, May 13, 2018, 10:56 AM M L <givemegiggles at hotmail.com> wrote:
>>>
>>> Thanks Danielle, my thoughts and actions around dating are much the same
>>> as yours. Disclosing the sooner the better.
>>>
>>> Melanie
>>> ------------------------------
>>> *From:* Viva <viva-bounces at lists.resist.ca> on behalf of Danielle <
>>> northern.islander at gmail.com>
>>> *Sent:* April 4, 2018 8:14:07 PM
>>> *To:* viva at lists.resist.ca
>>> *Subject:* Re: [Viva] Dating and Disclosure
>>>
>>> Good evening ladies.
>>>
>>> I have a long and winding tale regarding my experiences with disclosure
>>> and dating.  The pertinent point is that I waste no time disclosing my HIV
>>> status because I find there is less residual emotional impact when it is
>>> one of the first things a potential romantic interest learns about me.  By
>>> putting my status out on the table as soon as I realize there is any mutual
>>> interest beyond a friendly cup of coffee together they don't have time for
>>> anything except back peddling to change their mind.  Better for me.  Better
>>> for them.  I'm always happy to let them easily off the hook.
>>>
>>> I'm new here ... just since meeting Margarite this past long weekend at
>>> the Gathering in Vancouver .... and will write up some kind of bio
>>> introduction at some point soon.  In the meantime I'll do my best to
>>> participate here, at least by way of responding to others' posts.
>>>
>>> Be well.
>>> Danielle
>>>
>>> On Wed, Apr 4, 2018 at 2:31 PM, Jan Ouellette <janyblue811 at hotmail.com>
>>> wrote:
>>>
>>> Thank you all for your love and hope❤
>>> Janet
>>>
>>> On Apr 4, 2018 2:21 PM, heidi safford via Viva <viva at lists.resist.ca>
>>> wrote:
>>> Ladies THANK YOU for sharing your stories. They are lovely to hear
>>> and they give me HOPE [image: *:x lovestruck]
>>> Heidi
>>>
>>>
>>> ------------------------------
>>> *From:* Pegfrank <pegfrank at telus.net>
>>> *To:* Margarite Sanchez <Viva at lists.resist.ca>
>>> *Sent:* Wednesday, April 4, 2018 11:38 AM
>>> *Subject:* [Viva] Dating and Disclosure
>>>
>>> Hi
>>>
>>> At the gathering I shared that I had met a partner, someone to sit
>>> quietly at home, and adventure (locally) with — online. He does not like to
>>> travel, and has little funds to do so. I shared my status on our second
>>> date, which I often did with others. My feeling is — if I get a bad
>>> reaction, this is not someone who I want to spend time with. But it hurts
>>> initially. There were a few slaps across the face — figuratively. In fact,
>>> I was ready to give up. I was shifting my focus from partnership to someone
>>> to have an occasionally coffee with, when I met this guy. After talking to
>>> a few a women, who are scared by the prospect of online dating, and
>>> disclosure, I asked the guy, why he didn’t leave. He knows very little
>>> about HIV.
>>> “You are so trustworthy. I trusted, immediately, that you wouldn’t hurt
>>> me.” So that’s my story. Does anyone else have one? I encourage women to
>>> get out and see if there is someone waiting for them. We feel like we have
>>> been waiting for each other for dos of our lives. Things are so easy
>>> between us. There is an energy that arises from relationships that doesn’t
>>> get aroused by anything else. If you want a relationship, imagine what is
>>> critically important, let other stuff go, and go for it. I want us all to
>>> be content.
>>> Hugs from here. And I know that this is only applicable to some of us,
>>> but thought I would share.
>>> - Peggy Frank
>>>
>>> “
>>>
>>> *I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars
>>> and books; I have begun to listen to the teachings*
>>> *My blood whispers to me.*”
>>> - Herman Hesse
>>>
>>>
>>>
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>>
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