[Viva] Dating and Disclosure

Mon May 14 10:20:38 PDT 2018

I sometimes wait a pretty long time to tell people. I don't have sex with
people until I disclose. So I guess I only tell people when there is a
pretty good connection and I feel like I can trust them with that
information. I think it goes better this way as they have developed some
caring feelings towards you and are more likely to listen to you and
consider things more instead of just bailing. Of course I've had people do
that, and freak out, but not too many. When you wait you have time to suss
people out, try to find out what their reaction will be before telling
them, and you also have time to decide if it's even worth it to tell them
at all. It's not just about them wanting me, I have to decide if I can
trust them, and if I even want them in the first place. And if they are
pushy about sex before I'm ready, I'm out.

I hear a lot of women focusing on whether the man wants or doesn't want
them, but do you even want that man?

A

On Sun, May 13, 2018 at 8:27 PM, Denise Wozniak <deniseswozniak at gmail.com>
wrote:

> Happy mother's day to àll the ladies who miss their mother or their child.
>
> Bless.
>
> On Sun, May 13, 2018, 7:16 PM heidi safford via Viva <viva at lists.resist.ca>
> wrote:
>
>> Thanks for sharing your insights Danielle and Melanie
>> [image: *:) happy]
>>
>>
>> ------------------------------
>> *From:* Danielle <northern.islander at gmail.com>
>> *To:* viva at lists.resist.ca
>> *Sent:* Sunday, May 13, 2018 3:00 PM
>> *Subject:* Re: [Viva] Dating and Disclosure
>>
>> Hi Melanie
>>
>> Dating is a tricky game for most people.   Being HIV+ increases anxiety
>> far more than ordinary fear of rejection.  It's a wonder that any of us
>> ever attempt it.   The real truth underlining what I wrote is that I never
>> do attempt dating anymore.   That is,  I never approach anyone with dating
>> on my mind.   Occasionally though,  I am still approached by men who make
>> who take a fancy interest in me.   Disclosure goes on the table immediately
>> for exactly the reasons I've given. However, with extremely rare exception,
>> their ardour goes into rapid retreat and while I have their attention I use
>> the moment as an opportunity to educate and hopefully convince them that
>> HIV status is a necessary component of discussion before jumping into a
>> sexual encounter.
>>
>>  In my old-fashioned mind,  anyone who wants to "date" is moving slowly
>> enough to form a conversational relationship first.   HIV is one of those
>> things that might reasonably be talked about as part of that development
>> process anyway.   It's only the people who are thinking about sex as part
>> of the first meeting that have been an issue for me.   Being rejected under
>> that circumstance doesn't hurt my feelings at all.
>>
>> I know lots of men often want that kind of night-out-hookup,  especially
>> as part of the culture of men who have sex with men.  I know that some
>> women do as well but I find that occurs less often.   Women who have HIV
>> are even less likely to seek hookups.   I was never interested in one night
>> stands.
>>
>> ...and oh ... thank you for your message.   Acknowledgement is sweet ...
>> and you also helped me remember I said I'd give some sort of bio.   I'll
>> try to get that done, assuming I can keep that thought in my head long
>> enough,  after I take some time to talk to my mom.   (#mothers day)
>>
>> smiles
>> Danielle
>>
>>
>> On Sun, May 13, 2018, 10:56 AM M L <givemegiggles at hotmail.com> wrote:
>>
>> Thanks Danielle, my thoughts and actions around dating are much the same
>> as yours. Disclosing the sooner the better.
>>
>>
>> On Sun, May 13, 2018, 10:56 AM M L <givemegiggles at hotmail.com> wrote:
>>
>> Thanks Danielle, my thoughts and actions around dating are much the same
>> as yours. Disclosing the sooner the better.
>>
>> Melanie
>> ------------------------------
>> *From:* Viva <viva-bounces at lists.resist.ca> on behalf of Danielle <
>> northern.islander at gmail.com>
>> *Sent:* April 4, 2018 8:14:07 PM
>> *To:* viva at lists.resist.ca
>> *Subject:* Re: [Viva] Dating and Disclosure
>>
>> Good evening ladies.
>>
>> I have a long and winding tale regarding my experiences with disclosure
>> and dating.  The pertinent point is that I waste no time disclosing my HIV
>> status because I find there is less residual emotional impact when it is
>> one of the first things a potential romantic interest learns about me.  By
>> putting my status out on the table as soon as I realize there is any mutual
>> interest beyond a friendly cup of coffee together they don't have time for
>> anything except back peddling to change their mind.  Better for me.  Better
>> for them.  I'm always happy to let them easily off the hook.
>>
>> I'm new here ... just since meeting Margarite this past long weekend at
>> the Gathering in Vancouver .... and will write up some kind of bio
>> introduction at some point soon.  In the meantime I'll do my best to
>> participate here, at least by way of responding to others' posts.
>>
>> Be well.
>> Danielle
>>
>> On Wed, Apr 4, 2018 at 2:31 PM, Jan Ouellette <janyblue811 at hotmail.com>
>> wrote:
>>
>> Thank you all for your love and hope❤
>> Janet
>>
>> On Apr 4, 2018 2:21 PM, heidi safford via Viva <viva at lists.resist.ca>
>> wrote:
>> Ladies THANK YOU for sharing your stories. They are lovely to hear
>> and they give me HOPE [image: *:x lovestruck]
>> Heidi
>>
>>
>> ------------------------------
>> *From:* Pegfrank <pegfrank at telus.net>
>> *To:* Margarite Sanchez <Viva at lists.resist.ca>
>> *Sent:* Wednesday, April 4, 2018 11:38 AM
>> *Subject:* [Viva] Dating and Disclosure
>>
>> Hi
>>
>> At the gathering I shared that I had met a partner, someone to sit
>> quietly at home, and adventure (locally) with — online. He does not like to
>> travel, and has little funds to do so. I shared my status on our second
>> date, which I often did with others. My feeling is — if I get a bad
>> reaction, this is not someone who I want to spend time with. But it hurts
>> initially. There were a few slaps across the face — figuratively. In fact,
>> I was ready to give up. I was shifting my focus from partnership to someone
>> to have an occasionally coffee with, when I met this guy. After talking to
>> a few a women, who are scared by the prospect of online dating, and
>> disclosure, I asked the guy, why he didn’t leave. He knows very little
>> about HIV.
>> “You are so trustworthy. I trusted, immediately, that you wouldn’t hurt
>> me.” So that’s my story. Does anyone else have one? I encourage women to
>> get out and see if there is someone waiting for them. We feel like we have
>> been waiting for each other for dos of our lives. Things are so easy
>> between us. There is an energy that arises from relationships that doesn’t
>> get aroused by anything else. If you want a relationship, imagine what is
>> critically important, let other stuff go, and go for it. I want us all to
>> be content.
>> Hugs from here. And I know that this is only applicable to some of us,
>> but thought I would share.
>> - Peggy Frank
>>
>> “
>>
>> *I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars
>> and books; I have begun to listen to the teachings*
>> *My blood whispers to me.*”
>> - Herman Hesse
>>
>>
>>
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