[Humanpowered] Co-operation with our kids

[Dave Olsen]

If you missed the beginning of this conversation, you can read it by clicking 
here <http://parenting.lasqueti.ca/conversation-about-parenting.html>.

How many times have I heard a parent complain that their child just won't 
co-operate?  Isn't it unfortunate how we've been conditioned to focus on the 
negative instead of celebrating all the moments that we do enjoy with our kids?

Often, when we're talking about co-operation - or lack of it - the parent is 
simply tired and frustration can easily overwhelm us then.  And we can easily 
forget that our kids are not there to just do what we ask...they have minds and 
interests of their own once they reach the stage of being able to help us out.

Worse, when we're tired, we can easily forget our more respectful ways of 
interacting, which simply adds fuel to the fire.

When anyone is told to do something in no uncertain terms, we really only have 
two options to respond: submit or rebel.  Obviously we're talking about 
rebelling, but repeated submission has its price as well.

So let's dive a little deeper.

NEW VIDEO: co-operate WITH our kids <http://parenting.lasqueti.ca>

First of all, the word co-operate starts with a "co," as in together.  The 
"operate" part refers to working or producing.  Thus, co-operate actually means 
"to work together."

But if we look at what typically is spoken, the word co-operate makes even less 
sense:

"Clean up your room"..."Time for bed"..."Wash your hands"..."Put on your jacket"...

To me, each of these phrases are demands.  I see nothing that suggests the 
speaker is trying to work together with someone else. How many adults would 
"co-operate" with those demands?  Imagine saying that to a respected guest!  So 
why do we expect differently from our kids, when we wouldn't dare say those 
words to an adult friend?

So then, let's try a different way of working together with our child.  No, I'm 
not suggesting you become the opposite of authoritarian - _permissive_ - and not 
provide guidance, or even better, role modelling.  But for situations where role 
modelling isn't appropriate, let's use inspiring and even "co-operative" language.

One way to achieve this is to just add the words "Are you willing to" in front 
of your previous demand.  Now, that's not all there is to it, of course.  A 
demand is still a demand not matter how sweet it smells or sounds.  And there's 
still only two responses available for a demand: submission and rebellion.

NEW VIDEO: co-operate WITH our kids <http://parenting.lasqueti.ca>

Adding the words "are you willing to" AND changing your tone to reflect the 
request that you are making may just be your ticket to a truly co-operative 
interaction with your child.  Of course, s/he may not trust what s/he hears and 
may just assume you're making another demand, if that was the norm.  We'll look 
at that in a second.  But so far in 8 years of experience, my daughter has never 
once failed to do what I've requested when I've remembered to frame my request 
this way.

That may sound too good to be true, but here's the deal: a request opens up the 
range of possibilities to infinitely more than just simple submission or 
rebellion.  Your child may reply "in a minute" (I wonder where s/he got that 
from;-) ) or suggest another time or ask to do it another way.  Heck, you could 
even offer to do it together (as in co-operate!) with music or whatever else you 
know your child would enjoy.  But remember, "yes" and "no" are still valid and 
common answers, and if we truly have made a request rather than a demand, we 
will need to accept whatever answer is given.

But if we stop there, we seriously risk becoming permissive parents.  Although 
accepting your child's response is critical, it's not the only part of this 
equation.  We need to accept their response because respecting their needs in a 
given moment builds and maintains trust and understanding...depending on how 
long you've been making demands of your child, s/he may need some time to 
rebuild some of that trust that's been lost along the way.

So how do we accept our child's response if it isn't what we ourselves need?  
This is where life gets good, happiness increases dramatically, and how we also 
avoid the pitfalls of permissive parenting!

There are many ways of making our own needs known.  We could add them to the 
request, or explain them when the answer we were looking for doesn't happen.  
For instance, if your child replied "no" to "would you be willing to carry this 
box up to the house" and you really don't see another way of getting that box 
there, say exactly that: "oh, I really need that box in the house because it has 
food in it and it looks like it's going to rain any minute.  I'm carrying two 
bags and a box so I can't take it now and I'd really like to start making supper 
as soon as we get in...I'm starving, how about you?"

Sure, that's a lot more words than, "just take the box" or "don't talk back" or 
something even less respectful.  But what it does is explain what you need AND 
it role models how to do that to your child.  Not only are you inspiring 
co-operation when you make a request, it will inspire your child to do the same 
with her/his friends and even you!

I've never had a request turned down when I fully explained my needs; our 
children simply love us too much to say No!

NEW VIDEO: co-operate WITH our kids <http://parenting.lasqueti.ca>

Another pitfall however, is not simply explaining your needs, but trying to 
create guilt.  It may well have been the curse of Catholics, but guilt is no 
stranger among any civilized person these days.  The last thing I'd want to 
recommend is passing that onto your child.  And believe it or not, simply 
stating your needs without fear of rejection or ridicule can sidestep the guilt 
trip that no one wants to give or take.

Now can you imagine your child asking you, "would you be willing to get me my 
hairbrush?" instead of demanding it?  So-called demanding children are not born; 
we are all creations of our childhood experiences.  Not only will you achieve 
true co-operation by changing your demands into requests, you'll transform your 
kids into respectful members of your family, community, and the world at large!

NEW VIDEO: co-operate WITH our kids <http://parenting.lasqueti.ca>

In today's world, there is an overwhelming amount of resources, especially 
compared to a few hundred years ago.  Previously, the Church was the primary, if 
not only, source of parenting info and frankly, it was less than helpful. Alice 
Miller <http://alice-miller.com> documented that very well in /For Your Own 
Good: The Hidden Cruelty of Child-rearing and the Roots of Violence./

Now, the Internet is full of conflicting advice.  So where does a parent keen to 
improve our skills start?

Your next email will give you tonnes of resources that I've researched and 
tested thoroughly.  And - thanks to everyone who's been asking about this! - all 
the details about the new Parenting with an Open Heart Programme will be 
announced.  Registration will open soon after that for a very limited time, so 
keep your eyes on your inbox.

Best Regards, Dave

PS.  This new programme will be packed with content and you'll be able to access 
it from anywhere!  You simply call in to both listen and participate...easy, 
convenient, and transformative!  Again, I'll send you all the details in the 
next email...

ethical environmental consulting, 1 Beautiful Bicycle Lane, Lasqueti Island  V0R 2J0

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://lists.resist.ca/pipermail/humanpowered/attachments/20131104/3f739a07/attachment.html>